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NFL Mid Term Report
By Jim Beach
phillypage2 columnist (11-7-2003)
So, without further ado, I present you one man’s view of the first half and a preview of what to expect to happen between now and February 1st.
Super Bowl XXXVIII Contenders:
Kansas City (8-0)- Top 3 Offense, Defense and special teams equals your Super Bowl Champion. The only other real contenders are in the AFC and will have to beat the Chiefs in Arrowhead where there is a true home field advantage. Not happening this year. There are only two questions involving this team. #1- Can a fairly week remaining schedule equal an undefeated campaign? #2- Do you think Independence Blue Cross would cover surgery to have Vermeil’s tear ducts filled with concrete? I mean its all right for a man to be in touch with his feminine side-it is not ok to actually become a woman.
Indianapolis (7-1)- The Colts will win it all because their head coach is black and we all know the media will demand…WAIT-scratch that. I don’t want Tony to “Limbaugh” me (unless that means hooking me up with some OxyCotins). They are legitimate contenders because of scary good talent on offense and a defense that can win games when the “O” forgets to show (see the Miami game last Sunday if you don’t believe that). They have capable backups, in case of injury, at every position except QB and WR. And that doesn’t matter since Manning releases the ball to quick to get hurt and Harrison is too slippery to take a big hit. The AFC Championship Game (aka-Super Bowl) should be a joy to watch.
New England (7-2)- Bill Belicheck can game plan to shut down anybody’s offense. Its too bad he has 2nd stringers executing said plan. On offense Tom Brady has been too inconsistent getting the ball to a talented WR corps and the RB rotation lacks a real threat. But, it is injuries and the salary cap that will ultimately deny the Pats their second title in three seasons.
Tennessee (6-2)- The Titans feature the front runner for NFL MVP in Steve McNair. And that’s it. And it may be enough. However, my guess is a middle of the pack defense and a featured back, who has been averaging about 2 yards per carry since a close encounter with Ray Lewis a few years back, will spell another solid season without a title.
Minnesota (6-2)- A couple of studs on offense and a much improved, ball hungry defense make the Vikings the top of the NFC heap. And what a heap of shit it is. Being the best of the NFC is akin to being the world’s best self sex provider-it just doesn’t matter. Just one request from this franchise- how about we put Mike Tice’s ever present pencil behind his ear directly into Randy Moss’s eye so that piece of waste finally has something legit to mope about.
The Rest of the Playoff Teams:
Seattle (6-2)- Paul Allen stripped the “genius” of his GM duties in the offseason. Looks like the move worked as the fatman can devote all his time to coaching. The Seahawks are a solid looking team with no outstanding strengths and no glaring weaknesses. Still, this is the Seahawks and one has trouble envisioning them as an elite NFL team.
Carolina (6-2)- Strong defense and ball control offense had the Panthers looking like strong contenders the first month. They followed that with two lucky wins against the Saints and two losses. So much for anything more than a quick cup of playoff coffee.
St. Louis (5-3)- They have enough talent to be undefeated. Guess we can blame the worst coach the NFL has seen since Rich Kotite. Hell, JoePa can outcoach this egotistical moron. Well, maybe not. We all must pray for safe passage for Marc Bulger so, come playoff time, we are not bombarded with continuous shots of Brenda “my Dad was ½ Rhesus Monkey/½ Canine and my Mom was a Slog” Warner.
Miami (5-3)- Defense wins championships. The Dolphins better hope so with Ricky Williams slowing down and no one else on offense even remotely capable of being a consistent producer. Quick question-who would you take as your starter-Griese or Fiedler? Yea, I was also thinking they shoulda snatched up Andre Ware.
Dallas (6-2)- Bill Parcells is the modern day Vince Lombardi. Quincy Carter is the modern day Pat Ryan. They parlayed an easy first half schedule and a tough defense into a division lead. A Cowboys/Eagles question-how does it feel, as an Eagles fan, that the Cowboys and their fans view your number one rival as just another divisional foe?
Green Bay (4-4)- You gotta love Brett Favre. He’s everything you could ask for in a football player. Here’s hoping he comes back next season after another Wildcard weekend loss this year. Ahman Green is great; the defense is not.
Baltimore (5-3)- Once again I say defense wins championships. The AFC North championship, in this case. A rookie QB tossing to the worst WR corps in the league will not be enough help for this D. Prediction-no 2000 yard season for Jamal Lewis-the Bengals will end his career next time they play.
The Inconsistent World Champs:
Tampa Bay (4-4)- Do the math. Win one. Lose one. Win one. Lose one. It all equals 8-8 and no chance to defend their title. Think Chucky’s message is getting lost in the abyss of complacency? A quick aside-how satisfying that the two biggest loudmouths in the game are quickly becoming the two most overrated players, too.
The Best of the Rest:
Denver (5-3)- Somehow are over .500 with awful quarterbacking. Recent injuries to half of their formidable LB crew and four real tough remaining games will mean Mike Shanahan will have to be at his very best to keep them in the playoff hunt.
San Francisco (4-5)- Another streaky team without the talent to overcome the inconsistencies. And it is hard to win in the NFL when your QB takes it in the seat.
NY Giants (4-4)- Would have them rated lower but these are Jim Fassell’s Giants and that means a late season surge after a slow start. It will not be good enough to earn a dance card this time around.
Philadelphia (5-3)- Perhaps the worst 5-3 team in league history. The QB doesn’t throw it more than 5 yards past scrimmage (and don’t tell me about his first 300 yard game in 2 years-it came against the worst team in the league and they benched their entire starting secondary-the aforementioned Pat Ryan would have dropped 350 on them). The defenders have trouble staying healthy. The coach spends more time supersizing it then watching film. I could continue but I think you’ve faced enough reality for one paragraph.
New Orleans (4-5)- Showing some signs of life. Just in time for their yearly December bedshitting. A simple request-bring back Jim “we sucked” Mora-there was simply no better post loss, postgame interview.
Buffalo (4-4)- Remember two weeks into the season they looked like they could run the table? Then the FatMan and his Band of Merry Backups ended their illusion. Weren’t the Bills more fun when they were the lovable losers of the early 90’s instead of just plain losers?
Cincinnati (3-5)- Chad Johnson reminds me of his cousin Keyshawn. Except he is actually good. Jon Kitna reminds me of Kordell Stewart. Except he is better. And not gay. Let’s once again come together in prayer for Corey Dillon to suffer a Napolean Kaufmannesque injury. The guy epitomizes today’s me first pro athlete.
Candidates to be Retracted and Replaced by the Oklahoma Sooners:
NY Jets (2-6)- Herm Edwards needs another Miracle just to finish near .500. The return of weak armed Chad Pennington will not solve this team’s problems.
Cleveland (3-5)- The Browns can’t decide which bad QB to will start. Maybe Butch Davis should have been the one to get liquored up and stoned and taken a ride to figure it all out. See you in 2020.
Washington (3-5)- Here’s two wonderful thoughts. Steve Superior-2004 Head coach of the University of California Polytechnic at San Luis Obispo. And, Dan Snyder getting run over by a FedEx truck traveling at the speed off sound.
Chicago (3-5)- An organization that thinks Kordell Stewart is the answer is not qualified to be in charge of the Voorhees Vikings.
Pittsburgh (2-6)- The best thing to come out of Pittsburgh this year was a T-Shirt that was on sale during Week One’s game versus Baltimore-“Where was Ray Lewis when Joey Porter was Shot”.
Arizona (3-5)- I can get more people to attend a seminar pertaining to placing foreign objects up one’s anus then the Cards can get at their college stadium. Maybe their college level talent has something to do with it.
Detroit (2-6)- Hey, I got an idea. Let’s hire that moron on TV and we’ll prove he has no idea how to run an NFL franchise.
Houston (3-5)- Tough out at home. Give them a few more years.
Oakland (2-6)- Its been quite a pleasure watching them die. “I see old people”.
Jacksonville (1-7)- The coach brings in an ax and a tree stump. The kicker injures self with the ax while trying to chop at the wood. By the way, can we all put our heads together and try to figure out a way to make these one-legged anomalies obsolete in our beloved game?
San Diego (1-7)- MartyBall fails at yet another stop. Has there ever been two shorter QB’s on an NFL roster? How about a high school roster?
Atlanta (1-7)- The worst team in football. By a lot. Superman couldn’t make this a .500 club. I’m sure Mike Vick could come close though.