Mid term grades have arrived. That was never a fun time at the Beach residence circa 1982. It meant rushing home, heading to the mailbox and promptly destroying the damning evidence of my schoolwork “progress.” Luckily, the days of withholding evidence from the parental units are over.
As the picture to the left implies, the NFL is a seriously mismatched league right now. There hasn’t been such a concentration of putrid professional teams, in recent memory, as exists in today’s NFL. Anyone who has been dumped from their Suicide Pool should really just……sign up again next year-we love donations! So, without further ado, I’ll give you one man’s take on the State of the NFL, halfway to the playoffs.
Teams That Remind You of How You Feel the Morning After Mixing Large Quantities of Cheap Draft Beer, Whiskey Shots, Martinis and Wine
32. St Louis Rams – Remember the days of the “Greatest Show on Turf”? Me neither. Probably something that happened 100 years ago, which, coincidentally, was the last time Dan Dierdoff had a fucking clue about football. I would rather be subjected to a marathon Jonas Brothers concert than sit through 3 hours of his asskissing, moronic ramblings. F-
31. Oakland Raiders – JaMarcus is the worst QB since Akili Smith. At least the Bengals noticed that quickly and let him go. The Raiders? They still play this bad joke. The owner is the worst in sports. The head coach punches women. And, he’s fat, which, as we all know, is more unforgiveable than putting some mouthy bitch in her place. The fans are even retarded, getting dressed up like its Halloween at the Home for Middle-Aged Guys Who Had Their Lunch Money Stolen in High School. My Oakland inside source (some obviously trustworthy fella I met at a titty bar who noted his credentials as having ”grown up in the Bay Area”) told me Al Davis was contacted by the Canadien Football League in reference to being an expansion franchise. Apparently Al said, “No, I’m holding out for another Vince McMahon league to open and fold. I just know Derrius Heyward-Bey would be a top 200 receiver in that league.” F-
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Any football team with an 81 year old owner who also happens to like soccer (aka as cool a sport as watching paint dry), is in trouble. He goes out and hires a 10 year old to coach, who is really 32 but, was only hired because he came real cheap. The Child-Coach promptly pouts, fires his only qualified coach before the season and then turns the offense over to an underqualified and ill prepared QB. Enough about the train wreck of a coach, lets get back to the owner. He is 32 million under the cap but, is sinking his funds into his soccer team. About the only good thing he did was fire Tony Dungy, and his ridiculous ears, and hire Jon Gruden, giving Tampa their final championship until there are teams playing on the friggin Moon. What a bleak picture for the present and future. Would the last Bucs fan please turn out the lights and throw himself off that stupid looking bridge outside of Tampa? F-
29. Cleveland Browns – The owner, another soccer fan (are you seeing a trend?) hires a guy fresh off an epic late season collapse. His best player beats up a fucking midget. His QB’s are so bad, Ryan Leaf put a call in to see if he could try out. Of course, his call went unanswered, since they just fired their GM. The fans are even planning a show of disgust by not sitting in their seats next home game. And, somehow, someone out there is surprised this team sucks? Please stand up so you can be certified as an assclown. F-
28. Detroit Lions – Well at least the owner isn’t a known soccer fan. But, he did keep Matt Millen on the payroll about 7 years longer than he should’ve. Then again, he never should have plucked the artard from the booth anyway. The city is going to shit, the football team has been there for maybe forever? At least Stafford has a chance and Megatron, just an awesome nickname by the way, is one of the best. Wouldn’t it be cool if they used their next ten top 5 picks on WR’s? Again. F-
Teams That Remind You of How You Feel the Morning After Mixing Large Quantities of Cheap Draft Beer, Whiskey Shots, Martinis and Wine BUT at Least Remembering to Drink a Glass of Water and Take a Tylenol Before Passing Out
27. Washington Redskins – Where to start. Its almost too easy. Worst owner in the NFC. Worst GM in football. Not that Vinny Cerrato is really a GM. Or anything more than Snyder’s figurehead and fuckbuddy, for that matter. Worst coach in football. Maybe worst ever, outside of Wayne Fontes and Rich Kotite? Overpriced, underperforming talent on the field. Could Jason Campbell run a powder puff football offense? Didn’t think so either. The only good thing I can say about them is I’m +$250 betting against them this season and plan on upping that on a weekly basis. F
26. Kansas City Chiefs – Their coach never even played football. What the fuck is that all about? No wonder they slurp cum through a cocktail straw. F
25. Seattle Seahawks – At least they gave us those puke neon green uniforms, if only for one week. A team couldn’t win a circle jerk playing in those duds. And a quarterback that looks like Bruce probably enjoys having having his salad tossed more than tossing footballs. Like Bruce. Throw in a WR with the most mispronounced and misspelled name in the NFL and you have all the makings for a 4 win season. F
24. Tennessee Titans – Jeff Fischer put on a Peyton Manning jersey at a fundraiser and said it was good to feel like a winner. Was the only time their country music listening, cowboy hat wearing, shitbag fans got excited all year. Remember when LenDale White was fat? Diet=bad idea since he couldn’t run through a line of nuns nowadays. F
23. Buffalo Bills – I saw JP Losman playing in a UFL game over the weekend. He’s still the Bill’s best QB. Yesterday, I saw a little kid pick his nose and admire his findings before attacking the dripping gob like it was Megan Fox’s shaved va-jay-jay. That kid would be a better head coach than Dick Jauron. F
22. Carolina Panthers – Jake Delhomme is obviously color blind. It was probably caused by Steve Smith punching him in the eye. On a personal note to Jon Fox-give the fucking rock to DeAngelo Williams. He’s a top 5 fantasy pick-stop giving his short TD’s to Jonny Stewart, you jerkoff. D-
21. Jacksonville Jaguars – Jack Del Rio lost his team last year. Yet, they gave him another shot. And he has produced. What? I have no friggin clue. I do know one thing. They suck. D-
Teams with as Much a Shot at the Playoffs as You Have at Winning a Beer Olympiad Versus a Beach/Wolf Entry
20. San Fran 49ers – They have the support of the large, local gay community. Don’t know if thats true. It may be true of the gay support that PhillyPage2 receives. Thanks for pushing us at the meetings Tony! Not gay is Mike Singletary, who is probably still a serious badass. Can you imagine one of his guys questioning why they should be playing hard when they suck? I would pay to see Mike casually rip off their face and use it to wipe his ass. D
19. Chicago Bears – Always thought Lovie was the worst name ever for a giant black guy. Name aside, I’m sure he’s wanted to knock that annoying smirk off Jay Cutler’s grill more than a few times. I know I’d like a shot. D+
18. Miami Dolphins – How teams haven’t been able to stop the Wildcat yet is beyond me. I could see it working if they had at least one actual NFL WR. Why not stack 9 in the box and single the outside guys? And, if you stop their ‘Cat, you stop them. Now, about that teal uniform they hoist upon their unsuspecting, and even slightly heterosexual, fan base? Fail. D+
17. NY Jets – I kinda like Rex Ryan. Good bloodlines. He’s fat, aggressive and cocky-traits I admire in men. But, somebody forgot to tell him that Mexicans should be doing all the shit lazy Americans don’t wanna do and not playing QB in the NFL. I don’t know if Mark Sanchez is really Mexican but, I do know he isn’t good enough to win football games. D+
Teams that Remind Me of Kirsten Dunst – Definitely Some Things Like But One Absolute Deal Breaker
16. Arizona Cardinals – Some team has to win the NFC West and, along with it, the right to be ass raped by a wildcard squad. C-
15. San Diego Chargers – Norv Turner still has a job. I could coach this team better. And that includes making halftime adjustments on my normal Sunday heavy load. Lots of talent yet, they scare nobody. And, its sad to see the great LDT in his death throes as a relevant player. C-
14. Green Bay Packers – If their offensive line wasn’t as bad as listening to Tim McCarver, they would probably be 10 spots higher. But, as we’ve all learned, the game is won up front. Unless the game happens to be banging your wife, in which case the game is won in the backdoor. C
13. Atlanta Falcons – Too inconsistent to be taken seriously or to make a deep run. Kind of like Romes and his commitment to PhillyPage2! C+
12. Houston Texans – See Falcons, Atlanta C+
11. NY Giants – The Saints exposed the Giants secondary. Then Arizona did. Then the Eagles did. Then the wind exposed Eli Manning’s candy arm to match his beefy vaginal lips. C+
10. Pittsburgh Steelers – They’ll go as far as Troy Palamalu takes them. Which likely will be to the sidelines with yet another injury. Is there anything more annoying then a smug Steelers fan? Maybe its just I hate them so much as they’re the team I’ve lost the most money betting for and against. Its not even close. I might be 0-150. And, as anyone who has plunked down a few hard earned ducats knows, that will inspire some deep hatred. B-
Finally We Get to the Actual NFL Teams Portion of this List
9. Baltimore Ravens – I think they already went through their slump and are now ready to get on a roll. Solid team that can beat you alot of ways. Ray Rice looks like the RU Rice, sniffing the endzone and making plays. Joe Flacco looks like the Delaware Flacco. Since none of us have ever watched a Blue Hens game, I can only guess he was just totally awesome and stuff. But, look out for the Baltimore entry. Its not just all Defense anymore, although Ray-Ray looks good again. And he hasn’t stabbed anyone in a few years now so, thats all good. B
8. Philadelphia Eagles – Mike Vick is where he belongs, sitting on his ass. Best thing Big Fat Andy has done since signing on 54 years ago. The loss to the Raiders may have been the goofiest result in league history. The Birds should be able to beat them playing 9 guys. I think Reid took the blame for that one although nobody knows for sure as he is technically deceased at his press conferences. Which reminds me of a tough question that popped into my head while pleasuring myself in the shower the other day-how long would Malin Ackerman (http://www.flickr.com/photos/magazinecafe/3091995483/) have to be dead before you opted to bang a fat chick instead of dropping one in her corpse? My initial thoughts were a week but, I found that slightly repulsive. So, now I’m thinking 6 days. B
7. Dallas Cowboys – Tony Romo is back with Jessica Simpson. Although she’s really fucking hot, why bother? I’m sure there are other top shelf pieces of ass he could violate so, why go the retread route? Just goes to show he may not be capable of good decisions when it matters. At least the owner is a monumental douche, always ensuring his players will look like good people. How big does one’s ego have to be to think that, because you know oil, you can be GM of a pro football team. You know the scene in Fight Club when they’re talking about who they would like to fight? Jerry Jones makes my top 10. And, because of my well known disdain of just about every human, living and dead, thats saying something. B
6. Cinncinnati Bengals – Can’t believe they’re this high either. But, if not for an incredibly lucky last second play, they would be 7-1. Tough to argue with that. Their uniforms are still horrific and Marvin Lewis still seems to get outcoached every game. And, isn’t everyone really just worn out from Chad Ocho’s tired act? I doubt his Grandmom even likes him anymore. It does warm my heart to know his Dad and Mom never liked him in the first place. B
5. Denver Broncos – Josh McDaniels looks like the annoying kid that you hated growing up. For you Berliners, that was Jeff, obviously. And the fans yelling in-com-plete after every opponent’s incompletion? The gayest thing since the Wave and waving hankies. Can we PLEASE stop that shit at Phillies games, by the way? Its embarassing to a great sports city. Despite all that, these guys are actually decent. Brian Dawkins is a great addition. He’s still The Man, albeit old and juiced up. B+
Looking Forward to Championship Sunday and a Most Super of Bowls
4. New England Patriots – The defense was supposed to be weak. They’re one of 3 teams with less than 100 points allowed. Tom Brady was going to take awhile to shake off a year’s worth of rust. He looks to be fully back from the little knee situation. And, by way of running up the score their last two games, they seem to have the 2007 swagger back. There is lots to hate about them. Belicheck’s hoodie. Belicheck’s cheating. Belicheck’s genius label. Belicheck. But, look out for these guys. A-
3. Minnesota Vikings – Did anyone doubt Favre would torch the Packers at Lambeau? Sometimes his greatness is overstated. Like his 47 comeback wins. Some of them are laughable to put into that category-punch it into a search engine sometime for shits and giggles. Regardless of his place in history, Tavaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels don’t even exist on the same planet as Brett. He seems to be the missing piece to an extremely talented team. Plus, its the only football player my wife would fellate. Shitty thing is that includes me. Anyway, they excel at all facets of the game and will be tough to beat. A
2. Indianapolis Colts – When you say things like Peyton Manning may be having his best season, you are really saying something. Not that I’ve heard anyone say that but, it sounds pretty fucking impressive. He is money though. Anyone who doesnt enjoy watching Freeney and Mathis come off the ends and attack the passer obviously never played defensive line. And, since I know thats true of all 5 of you who will read this, forget I said that. A+
1. New Orleans Saints – Ladies and Gentlemen thanks for wading through the 2500 previous words. For that, I give you your Super Bowl Champions. The defense is a ball hawking unit that can shut down the run and pass. The only thing that can stop that offense is a Hurricane. Nobody really wants that again though. I saw enough photoshopped pictures of looting the first time around. Although some of them were really fucking funny. A+
So there it is. One drive into the third quarter and it was clear that this game was over. All before dinner time, all before your meat and taters got cold.
So my dream World Series matchup is finally going to happen…It’s the Evil Empire v. The Phightin Phils, Bronx Bombers v. Red October. It seems like we’ve been waiting for this to come to fruition forever. I keep hearing Phils fans saying “Bring on the Yankees.” Well, what about “Bring on the Phillies?” They’re the defending champs, have rolled through the first two rounds again, and look very formidable. The Yanks haven’t won anything in 9 years. When I look at the matchups its amazing how similar these two teams are: 1) After the #1 starter your not quite sure what you’re going to get…Hamels, Burnett, Blanton, Pettitte can be dominating or give up 7 runs; 2) Neither team has seen a lineup like this…both lineups can rake from top to bottom and score a ton of runs; 3) The bullpens are unpredicatble…the yanks pen was good all year but looked beyond shaky in the ALCS while the phils pen shutdown the Dodgers. So settle in for a fantastic series and hopefully next week we’ll be celebrating championship number 27.
No rooting in the Press Box. I learned that rule in Journalism 101. Luckily as I sit behind the Press Box at my first ever NLCS baseball game in my home town, Philadelphia, the Phillies make it very easy to keep that rule. This game was never in doubt. As I sit in my new surroundings the score is 8-0 in the 7th inning. Cliff Lee is pitching the gem we knew he would and I am getting a nice and calm taste of how the people that have covered my team for me since I was an infant do their thing. Or at least how they do it at Citizens Bank Park. The guys I read grewing up are here, some national guys, and even some international guys speaking Japanese. (I am very used to local and national celebs, so that doesn’t even phase me at this point, but to think that I am at an event that garners international attention? Well that’s just cool.) A guy from mlb.com just sat next to me and I am literally unphased, yet I am still enough of a baseball geek that I am secretly trying to take Peter Gammons’ photo via my cell. Which is REALLY hilarious because, earlier, I was just a stone’s throw from the field, able to take pics of whatever giant player of the game, (Manny Ramirez, Ryan Howard, etc.) I want. But to me? I get more of a kick out of the Gammons’s than the Ramirez’s.
Since my station covers the Phillies, I have had some very sweet access to the Phillies all year. For a minute there, it looked like we’d be shut out of said access for the playoffs. I suppose when an event does garner that international attention, little stations like ours sometimes do get shut out to make room. As of Friday at close of business, this was the case. Then I got a call. And although I would have LOVED to have gotten this notification in time for Saturday’s work-outs to help get the lay of the land here at the Press Level of CBP– I was called at 6:45 p.m. Sunday for an 8:07 start. So I will learn the NLCS ropes as I go… (PS. That picture to the right is NOT an actual photo I took with my cell, even though, as the picture would indicate, Gammons does indeed rock!)
