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Eddie Pola and George Wyle had it right when they penned “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”. I can see how two of the best events known to modern man could inspire such genius. You know, Christmas is finally over and the NFL playoffs are just underway. A most wonderful time indeed. Here is one man’s view of things to come on January 3rd and 4th.

Wildcard weekend kicks off with the Titans at the Ravens. The Ravens have owned the Titans recently including a playoff victory during their Super Bowl run. However, the streak stops here. The Ravens have the top rusher in Jamal Lewis and the Titans have the top run defense. This means that some guy named Anthony Wright will have to play a big part if Baltimore expects to win. I just don’t see that happening. A well rested and reasonably healthy Steve McNair will be enough to overcome the tough Ravens D, a solid home field advantage and just about everything else one could consider. Call it a tight, low scoring affair featuring a lot of Gary Anderson and Matt Stover and a four point Tennessee win. Prime time Saturday night features the first of the three rematches when Dallas visits Carolina. The Cowboys won the first meeting 24-20 in Week 12. Carolina comes in on a three game winning streak and will make it four in a row. The Panthers have just enough weapons to overcome the #1 defense. Quincy Carter is nothing if not consistent. Consistently bad that is. And that will be the ultimate reason why the Panthers will win by a touchdown while controlling the clock in another low scoring, Saturday contest. The Cowboys are a year away from making real noise. Sunday kicks off with Seattle at Green Bay. The Pack have been rolling on offense for over a month. The Seahawks were poor on the road this year posting two wins. Green Bay has lost exactly one home playoff game in franchise history. Seattle was smoked at Lambeau just this year and were installed as the biggest underdogs of the weekend by Las Vegas. A blowout in the making? No. I see a Brett Favre last minute comeback special to win by one. Seattle looks to have solved their road woes. They very nearly beat St. Louis in the Dome where the Rams steamrolled every other visitor this season. They followed that by winning at San Francisco, extremely tough at the ‘Stick (no corporate names will be mentioned in this piece), at 6-2, in a must win, pressure situation. The total stats show evenly matched squads. Look for the aforementioned one point victory in the highest scoring and most exciting game of the weekend. The last contest of wildcard weekend has Denver traveling to Indianapolis. The easy thing to do would be to say that the three seed, with a 12-4 record, will beat the six seed with a 10-6 mark. Further easing the call is that an outdoor, grass team playing on the carpet in a dome equals a serious disadvantage. Case closed-easy pick. But, we don’t do things the easy way here at phillypage2.com. A few things to ponder before assuming the Colts are possibly good enough to win the whole thing let alone this game. What has Peyton Manning ever won? He may be the NFL MVP but, that’s a regular season award. Has Indy had a large home field advantage? No, they went 5-3. Aren’t the Colts are coming off a win and the Broncos a loss? True. But, the Colts needed a big comeback and the Broncos rested everybody but the cheerleaders. Didn’t they play three weeks ago? No, they played only two weeks ago and Denver laid down a severe smackdown, 31-17 (a score that wasn’t even that close). Do I need to convince you further? Too bad-my work here is done. Until Dungy and Manning show me they can win a big game, I will pick against them every time. The call here is the biggest point differential of the weekend as Denver wins by ten.

As Forrest Gump would say, “That’s all I got to say about that Wildcard Weekend”. My crystal ball is showing me a Patriots Super Bowl win. The last time the Ball showed me that, Adam Vinatieri proved it correct (and also lined my wallet with some serious green). But, more on the rest of the playoffs at a later date. So, clear your schedule, feed the dog, lock out the wife and kids, fill the refrigerator with the adult drink of your liking, call your knowledgeable football fan buddies (can I borrow yours since I have none) to join you and enjoy the beginning of what is shaping up to be a most memorable NFL postseason tournament.

Disclaimer-gambling on NFL games in illegal around these parts and use of this information is for amusement purposes only.

Let me set the scene. It’s preseason. Fade into Coach Hitchcock. He’s talking about how the Flyers will be a tough team to beat on home ice. Other teams will not want to come into Philly because it will be a battle every night. Segue into a collage of jarring hits. Sprinkle in a few shots of Donald Brashear and Todd Fedoruk throwing bombs. Back to Hitchcock. Now he’s telling me that I shouldn’t miss a minute of this exciting and physical Flyers team. The commercial ends and I’m on the floor in hysterics. My mind drifts to Rich Pilon taking cheap shots at John LeClair and Eric Lindros every shift and never having to answer for it. I think back to Darius Kasparitis’s first game at the Boring Center after beginning the end of Big E’s career and how there were 20,000 people who wanted him smashed and the 20 who could did not care to. I conjure up more recent memories of Darcy Tucker and Tyson Nash given free reign to take out knees and come in high and late. Now my mind is in full recall mode and I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen a Flyer go after another team’s player for some retribution. Home ice advantage? Tough and physical? Surely they are not speaking of my beloved Flyers. So, I file away the plea to buy tickets as some sort of cruel joke being played on me by the organization’s ad people. After all, those people probably still think they’re in the Broad Street Bully days. I know that it will be business as usual in 2003-2004 and that the “home ice advantage” is just a marketing ploy.

Well, spank my ass and call me Sally-I am here to tell you that maybe they were onto something. After fourteen home games, through the first two months of the season, the Flyers stand unbeaten at 12-0-2, including 11 straight wins. More importantly is how they’ve been winning those contests. They have outworked all fourteen visitors. This includes teams like the Thrashers and Wild who are known throughout the NHL to play harder than their opponents on a nightly basis. They have been scoring goals consistently and have outscored talented offensive teams like the Canucks and Bruins. They have played physical and tough, just as the preseason ads promised they would. There have been seven fights on home ice and all have been the result of challenging guys who had taken liberties on Flyer ice.

All of the above are promising developments in the early stages of a long season. Could the ads be correct after all? Maybe there really is a home ice advantage in Philadelphia this year? Its too early to know for sure but, stayed tuned…

By Contributing Phillypage2 Writers
In keeping with the spirit of Thanksgiving, we’ve asked the PP2 staff to give us a team-by-team consideration of something they are thankful for and something they are not…….here’s what we got team by team…

Tony Romeo

Eagles— I am thankful that we have a rookie TE that is not only from my alma mater but also seems to be able to catch and run patterns, even in this “complicated” Reid offense. I am also thankful that he seems like he can catch a simple 8-yard pass without turning it into an impromptu Hollywood Hoe-down dance celebration. I am not thankful our last high-profile drafted receiver can’t pipe down and do the same on those rare occasions he does make a catch!

Sixers— I am thankful that AI’s mom had a baby. No, not Allen, his newborn little brother, “Mister Allen Iverson.” It is a nice reminder for those of us that are not ready to have kids that the biological clock might not be clicking as fast as we think! Wait til the time is right.

Phillies— I am thankful the Phillies had the good sense and class to give the Vet one of the most moving send-offs in city history. It was a perfect tribute to an imperfect building. I am not thankful the Eagles did not have the same good sense. I am particularly not thankful that the Eagles NEVER have that same good sense when it comes to historical perspective. Lurie and co. act like Eagle football started with them, just because they have tried so hard to reinvent it

Flyers— Ummm…Flyers? Yea…well, the Flyers are like, I mean I am thankful that the Flyers….Oh Wait, I mean…I am NOT thankful that the Flyers…errr…ahhh…..HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!!!!!!

Jim Beach

Eagles—I’d like to thank the Eagles for continually proving me correct when I said that Daunte Culpepper will be a better QB than the other 4 first round draftees in the 1999 Draft. It has made up for the indignity I suffered when the year before I predicted that Ryan Leaf would be a better pick than Peyton Manning. I’d further like to thank them for lining my wallet in green when they let Washington have a backdoor cover a few weeks back.

Phillies—I’d like to thank whoever was responsible for reminding the invisible ownership that Philadelphia is not a small market and its about friggin time our payroll started reflecting that. I’d also like to thank them for being the only hope for a parade before I get too old to care as passionately about such things as I do now.

Flyers—I’d like to thank the Flyers for saving me a grand a year in tickets. Their years of playoff failures have finally convinced me to spend my money on more meaningful things. Like booze and strippers. A personal Thanksgiving note to Bob Clarke- Leave. Now.

Sixers—I’d like to thank the Sixers for keeping A.I. in the hizzouse. He is truly an inspiration. Anyone who can make gazillions and maintain his street cred inspires me to strive to “keep it real” too, yo.

John Oliveri

Eagles – I am thankful to both Vera Wang and God who both made “Our Philadephia Eagles” Cheerleaders look soooooo good this year!! I am not thankful for injury bug that has kept our starting Defense from dominating again this year.

Phillies – I am thankful for Jim Thome who has single handedly brought me back to watching baseball again. I am not thankful for Pat “No Bat” Burrell who single handedly prevented us from watching post season baseball in Philly.

Sixers – I am thankful for Larry Brown finally leaving after tearing this team apart. I am not thankful for Pat Croche not being a part of this organization anymore.

Flyers – I am thankful for……………….nothing, they choke every year and will do so again! I am not thankful for the fact that you need to make six figures just to attend a partial season ticket plan at a boring arena when we had the greatest home in town, the Spectrum!!!!!!

Craig Berosh

Eagles: I’m thankful that we are now judging the Eagles on a higher scale. Let me explain. I’ve been a Eagles fan for about 25 years and most seasons, as we all know, have been spent wishing the Birds were a .500 team or could somehow make it into the playoffs. Now we can at least honestly talk about why the team didn’t make the Super Bowl and I’m thankful to at least be able to have that conversation.

Phillies: Same as the Eagles, I hope.

Sixers: I’m thankful for Allen Iverson. One day we will truly appreciate his heart and competitiveness. Really, I’m trying to be sincere for the holidays and junk.

Flyers: I’m thankful that Ed Snider finally fired Bobby Clarke and went out and got a great goaltender. Oh wait, forget it.

Bob Delcamp

The Eagles: I’m thankful that they didn’t totally tank the season, and make us sit through meaningless football in October, November, and December. I am also thankful that because of this we have a fighting chance that the grill comes back out after the game at our tailgate.

The Sixers: For shizle my nizzle sixzezel. First off, hey Mazol Tov! To A.I.’s moms and her little bundle of joy Mister Alan Iverson. First off I’m thankful that people from the hood give their kids such great names, secondly I’m thankful that Coach got the hell out of town so he can go smell his kids. Of course he’ll have to smell them through the stench that is Detroit.

Phillies: I’m thankful that the Phillies had the good sense to recognize that to us the Vet was just more then a place to smoke a blunt, or take a piss in the sink. It was where we learned the game, and where we became fans. I’m also thankful that we will not have to put up with another year of Joe Table. Adios you loser.

Flyers: They still play hockey eh? Flyers fans, you better get ready to put those tinfoil Stanley Cups in storage, because after this year hockey is done eh. The owners are blowing it up, and your franchise may not come back. Oh and by the way, you pay more then other city to watch your beloved Flyers. So what am I thankful for? That after all these winless years there are people wiling to pay those prices to watch a team they love. That’s a fan.

And last but not least I’m thankful for the friends and family I share my rabid sports passions with. Here’s to you guys!

Parity. The NFL’s wet dream has arrived. With a resounding thud. I have never witnessed mediocrity on such a grandiose scale. I recall in the golden days (you know, ten years ago) sitting there on Sunday night digesting a full belly of quality football. Now I feel fortunate when two decent teams are actually scheduled to play and then put on a good contest. Does anyone really believe the class of pro football in 2003 (Kansas City for those of you riveted to the goings on of Manchester United) could cover as a double digit ‘dog against the Cowboys of the early 90’s? How about the 49ers of the late 80’s? I don’t think so either. The NFL achieved parity at the cost of consistently good games. That said, there is no sport as glorious as NFL football!

So, without further ado, I present you one man’s view of the first half and a preview of what to expect to happen between now and February 1st.

Super Bowl XXXVIII Contenders:

Kansas City (8-0)- Top 3 Offense, Defense and special teams equals your Super Bowl Champion. The only other real contenders are in the AFC and will have to beat the Chiefs in Arrowhead where there is a true home field advantage. Not happening this year. There are only two questions involving this team. #1- Can a fairly week remaining schedule equal an undefeated campaign? #2- Do you think Independence Blue Cross would cover surgery to have Vermeil’s tear ducts filled with concrete? I mean its all right for a man to be in touch with his feminine side-it is not ok to actually become a woman.

Indianapolis (7-1)- The Colts will win it all because their head coach is black and we all know the media will demand…WAIT-scratch that. I don’t want Tony to “Limbaugh” me (unless that means hooking me up with some OxyCotins). They are legitimate contenders because of scary good talent on offense and a defense that can win games when the “O” forgets to show (see the Miami game last Sunday if you don’t believe that). They have capable backups, in case of injury, at every position except QB and WR. And that doesn’t matter since Manning releases the ball to quick to get hurt and Harrison is too slippery to take a big hit. The AFC Championship Game (aka-Super Bowl) should be a joy to watch.

New England (7-2)- Bill Belicheck can game plan to shut down anybody’s offense. Its too bad he has 2nd stringers executing said plan. On offense Tom Brady has been too inconsistent getting the ball to a talented WR corps and the RB rotation lacks a real threat. But, it is injuries and the salary cap that will ultimately deny the Pats their second title in three seasons.

Tennessee (6-2)- The Titans feature the front runner for NFL MVP in Steve McNair. And that’s it. And it may be enough. However, my guess is a middle of the pack defense and a featured back, who has been averaging about 2 yards per carry since a close encounter with Ray Lewis a few years back, will spell another solid season without a title.

Minnesota (6-2)- A couple of studs on offense and a much improved, ball hungry defense make the Vikings the top of the NFC heap. And what a heap of shit it is. Being the best of the NFC is akin to being the world’s best self sex provider-it just doesn’t matter. Just one request from this franchise- how about we put Mike Tice’s ever present pencil behind his ear directly into Randy Moss’s eye so that piece of waste finally has something legit to mope about.

The Rest of the Playoff Teams:

Seattle (6-2)- Paul Allen stripped the “genius” of his GM duties in the offseason. Looks like the move worked as the fatman can devote all his time to coaching. The Seahawks are a solid looking team with no outstanding strengths and no glaring weaknesses. Still, this is the Seahawks and one has trouble envisioning them as an elite NFL team.

Carolina (6-2)- Strong defense and ball control offense had the Panthers looking like strong contenders the first month. They followed that with two lucky wins against the Saints and two losses. So much for anything more than a quick cup of playoff coffee.

St. Louis (5-3)- They have enough talent to be undefeated. Guess we can blame the worst coach the NFL has seen since Rich Kotite. Hell, JoePa can outcoach this egotistical moron. Well, maybe not. We all must pray for safe passage for Marc Bulger so, come playoff time, we are not bombarded with continuous shots of Brenda “my Dad was ½ Rhesus Monkey/½ Canine and my Mom was a Slog” Warner.

Miami (5-3)- Defense wins championships. The Dolphins better hope so with Ricky Williams slowing down and no one else on offense even remotely capable of being a consistent producer. Quick question-who would you take as your starter-Griese or Fiedler? Yea, I was also thinking they shoulda snatched up Andre Ware.

Dallas (6-2)- Bill Parcells is the modern day Vince Lombardi. Quincy Carter is the modern day Pat Ryan. They parlayed an easy first half schedule and a tough defense into a division lead. A Cowboys/Eagles question-how does it feel, as an Eagles fan, that the Cowboys and their fans view your number one rival as just another divisional foe?

Green Bay (4-4)- You gotta love Brett Favre. He’s everything you could ask for in a football player. Here’s hoping he comes back next season after another Wildcard weekend loss this year. Ahman Green is great; the defense is not.

Baltimore (5-3)- Once again I say defense wins championships. The AFC North championship, in this case. A rookie QB tossing to the worst WR corps in the league will not be enough help for this D. Prediction-no 2000 yard season for Jamal Lewis-the Bengals will end his career next time they play.

The Inconsistent World Champs:

Tampa Bay (4-4)- Do the math. Win one. Lose one. Win one. Lose one. It all equals 8-8 and no chance to defend their title. Think Chucky’s message is getting lost in the abyss of complacency? A quick aside-how satisfying that the two biggest loudmouths in the game are quickly becoming the two most overrated players, too.

The Best of the Rest:

Denver (5-3)- Somehow are over .500 with awful quarterbacking. Recent injuries to half of their formidable LB crew and four real tough remaining games will mean Mike Shanahan will have to be at his very best to keep them in the playoff hunt.

San Francisco (4-5)- Another streaky team without the talent to overcome the inconsistencies. And it is hard to win in the NFL when your QB takes it in the seat.

NY Giants (4-4)- Would have them rated lower but these are Jim Fassell’s Giants and that means a late season surge after a slow start. It will not be good enough to earn a dance card this time around.

Philadelphia (5-3)- Perhaps the worst 5-3 team in league history. The QB doesn’t throw it more than 5 yards past scrimmage (and don’t tell me about his first 300 yard game in 2 years-it came against the worst team in the league and they benched their entire starting secondary-the aforementioned Pat Ryan would have dropped 350 on them). The defenders have trouble staying healthy. The coach spends more time supersizing it then watching film. I could continue but I think you’ve faced enough reality for one paragraph.

New Orleans (4-5)- Showing some signs of life. Just in time for their yearly December bedshitting. A simple request-bring back Jim “we sucked” Mora-there was simply no better post loss, postgame interview.

Buffalo (4-4)- Remember two weeks into the season they looked like they could run the table? Then the FatMan and his Band of Merry Backups ended their illusion. Weren’t the Bills more fun when they were the lovable losers of the early 90’s instead of just plain losers?

Cincinnati (3-5)- Chad Johnson reminds me of his cousin Keyshawn. Except he is actually good. Jon Kitna reminds me of Kordell Stewart. Except he is better. And not gay. Let’s once again come together in prayer for Corey Dillon to suffer a Napolean Kaufmannesque injury. The guy epitomizes today’s me first pro athlete.

Candidates to be Retracted and Replaced by the Oklahoma Sooners:

NY Jets (2-6)- Herm Edwards needs another Miracle just to finish near .500. The return of weak armed Chad Pennington will not solve this team’s problems.

Cleveland (3-5)- The Browns can’t decide which bad QB to will start. Maybe Butch Davis should have been the one to get liquored up and stoned and taken a ride to figure it all out. See you in 2020.

Washington (3-5)- Here’s two wonderful thoughts. Steve Superior-2004 Head coach of the University of California Polytechnic at San Luis Obispo. And, Dan Snyder getting run over by a FedEx truck traveling at the speed off sound.

Chicago (3-5)- An organization that thinks Kordell Stewart is the answer is not qualified to be in charge of the Voorhees Vikings.
Pittsburgh (2-6)- The best thing to come out of Pittsburgh this year was a T-Shirt that was on sale during Week One’s game versus Baltimore-“Where was Ray Lewis when Joey Porter was Shot”.
Arizona (3-5)- I can get more people to attend a seminar pertaining to placing foreign objects up one’s anus then the Cards can get at their college stadium. Maybe their college level talent has something to do with it.
Detroit (2-6)- Hey, I got an idea. Let’s hire that moron on TV and we’ll prove he has no idea how to run an NFL franchise.
Houston (3-5)- Tough out at home. Give them a few more years.
Oakland (2-6)- Its been quite a pleasure watching them die. “I see old people”.
Jacksonville (1-7)- The coach brings in an ax and a tree stump. The kicker injures self with the ax while trying to chop at the wood. By the way, can we all put our heads together and try to figure out a way to make these one-legged anomalies obsolete in our beloved game?
San Diego (1-7)- MartyBall fails at yet another stop. Has there ever been two shorter QB’s on an NFL roster? How about a high school roster?
Atlanta (1-7)- The worst team in football. By a lot. Superman couldn’t make this a .500 club. I’m sure Mike Vick could come close though.

Here is a simple fact for you to digest. Donovan McNabb has a QB Rating of 41.4. Now, I can’t begin to tell you how one goes about determining a QB rating. Hell, I’m not so sure the guy who developed the formula could recall how many hallucinogens he ate that fateful day. What I do know is that 41.4 just plain blows. It is the lowest of any NFL starter this season. My question is simply, how come it is that high? After all, have you ever seen a quarterback play so horrifically for eight straight quarters? I’ll answer that for you-NO. That’s because they get benched before they reach that 8th quarter of embarrassing play. I am here to tell that I will sniff out the best explanations for this unmitigated disaster. And then I’ll promptly toss those explanations into the garbage dump that has become McNabb’s career and let you know what the true cause of this spectacular flameout is.

The first wonderful excuse that I heard was the booing that began at halftime during Monday Night Football has affected poor Donny. Give me a break. He is a professional athlete-its part of their code to ignore us lowly fanatics. Unless, of course, we’re paying them $20 to scribble their name onto a newly revered possession. Then they can manage to hide their disdain behind a fake smile for a brief moment and pretend to care you know how to fix what ails their team. But to suggest that early booing has sapped him of his confidence is truly a leap into Cluelessville and a lame assed Mcspiracy Theory.

I also heard this beauty being offered-DMac was too bulked up. His much publicized off-season regimen has added 10 pounds of muscle to his upper body. According to Dave McCrossin, strength and conditioning coach for the Flyers, every pound of muscle added to the upper body throws a person’s center of gravity off by 1/8 of an inch. If this ridiculousness is actually accurate, then our Fallen Hero’s center of gravity is off by a hair over an inch. However, I’d like to point out that he couldn’t hit the ocean if I spotted him water up to his knees. Surely an inch and change could be compensated for by any athlete good enough to play professionally. I offer this excuse as debunked Mcspiracy Theory number two.

There has been talk that his monstrosity of a contract has made him disinterested. Whatever genius threw that one out there obviously never competed at anything more than Band. I think its safe to say that when its third and ten (in this case because of Anti-Run Reid and two passes that were off twice as far as a Peter North money shot) the last thing McNabb is thinking is, “Gee, who cares what happens here, I can’t wait until tomorrow when I pick up my new Hummer with the 12 inch chrome rims and purple velvet interior and park it next to my other 32 tricked out rides, yo”. No, he’s a professional athlete who’s been a fierce competitor his entire life. I’d be willing to bet that there are 165 hours a week where he’s got the bling-bling going cha-ching cha-ching but, that for those three hours a week on the field, he’s there to do whatever it takes to win. This is just another stupid Mcspiracy Theory probably thrown out there by someone jealous of that contract that is looking more like an albatross with every successive passing attempt.

This is perhaps my favorite Mcspiracy Theory. The caretakers of the most successful business in the world (the NFL-pay attention people) have decided they are tired of seeing black QB’s being successful. They felt much better when the most important position in sports was being manned by one of their own. So, they decided to take whatever steps necessary to stop this trend. You know, having legs broken (see Vick, Mike) or, in the case of McNabb, they simply intercept the play and send in the package best suited to defense said play. This actually makes some sense. If you also think that the hot bartender was really flirting with you because she thinks you are the only man alive that could provide her with the perfect sexual experience. What I mean is the defenders could all sit down at the snap and there is still only a minimal chance of Donovan hitting anything not made of dirt and grass.

This brings me the real reason Donovan McNabb has been playing so poorly. Drum roll please. It is because he’s just not a very good passer. He made the NFL on his legs, cannon arm and, to some degree, his intelligence. His touch has always been questionable. Think about how often he’s hit a receiver in stride. Yea, I can count the number on one hand too. The West Coast offense is predicated on those short passes being right on the money so that yards after the catch become a weapon. Even when he’s played well the last few years, the short pass has never been his strength. You might argue that the speed has been lacking in the WR position during his tenure. I say that give any NFL WR a pass that hits them in the bread basket in full stride and there are not many DB’s who will catch them. I say this because I watched Jerry Rice, a guy not blessed with 4.2 speed, become the greatest WR ever by running a precise route and having the ball hit him perfectly in stride. McNabb’s receivers are forced to reach out, up, down or back to catch the football, leaving them little hope of making a big play. What you have with McNabb is a tremendous athlete with a fairly major deficiency as a quarterback. Unfortunately, that weakness is pronounced playing in Andy Reid’s offensive system.

So, there you have it. Just remember, he isn’t as bad as he’s looked and he’s not as good as you believed. Which simply means the Eagles will never win a Super Bowl if they are counting on him to do it for them.

So the Eagles tore your heart out, AGAIN last year. And soon Lurie and Co. will tear down the Vet and flush away generations of memories that deserved a much better send-off. But there are some things in Eagledom, that I would love to see flushed with them. Some are specific to the most recent disappointment, others have been an annoyance for years. They are as follows….

Sean and the Birdman. Was anybody NOT tired of these guys four years ago? They are an act that should of lasted about 5 seconds, instead the media has turned them into a cottage industry. Why all the pub for these mo-mo’s? Sean is a fan extraordinare… why again? Oh yea, because he paints his face, wears shoulder pads, and screams from his season ticket in the stands? (And the squawking birdman, rumor has it, doesn’t even HAVE a season ticket.) Gimmie a break. I actually went to the WIP tent, first time in my life, and got a picture of Sean carrying the MOST FUGAZI homemade Superbowl trophy I ever saw, screaming his head off like a jackass…I will treasure it forever. Look at these “crazy eagles fans” I had to see on the news 100 times last week. They are not crazy, they are nothing but mummers with attitude…Strut it somewhere else SuperPhools!

The Song. GOTTA GO. And believe me, I loved it, and sang it with pride on countless occasions. But let’s face the facts, the time period at the vet was like a 30 year war that we did not win. Every war needs a fight song, but once the war is lost, it’s time to lose the song as well. Don’t believe me? Go sing a Vietnam War fight song to some Vietnam Vet that had half his arm blown off, see if he sings along, or see if he stumps you right in your stupid mouth! Fly Eagles Fly on the Road to Victory? What Victory would that be? We never won. We are still on the DAMN ROAD!!! In fact, our new song should be “On the Road Again…” cause the ROAD to victory is as close to victory as we get! 

The Spelling. (E-A-G-L-E-S…Eagles) That’s gotta go too. Can’t take away the song, and leave the spelling. They are too closely intertwined. When we win something, we’ll bring this much loved tradition back, but for now, let’s lend it to the Fightin’s, and make it the P-H-I-L-L-I-E-S Phillies! Cheer. 

The Quarterback Contreversy that is brewing. I like AJ Feely, and I love Koy Detmer and I have serious questions about Donovan at times. Sometimes I even wonder if he is worth the $115 million we gave him. But the fact remains, he got it, and he is, and will be the Eagles QB. Controversy is futile. If Donovon is a question, Koy and AJ will not be the answer. Koy is a serviceable back-up, and AJ should be traded IMMEDIATELY to give him the shot he is not ever getting here. Let him be free to be the next Tom Brady, or the next Bobby Hoying, or something in the middle, for another team, sooner then later. We owe him at least that.

The Celebrity of Judge Shamus McCafferty. And no, I don’t mean having a judge. If the Eagles feel that it is necessary to have legal processing right at the game, so be it. But by making “Judge Shamus” the local equivalent of Judge Judy, posting his likeness everywhere, and inviting him to Wingbowl, and making HIM a story. All it does is create a greater spectacle for those that want to go to the games and act the fool. Wyatt Earp was a celebrity too, and before you knew it Tombstone, AZ was crawling with every bummer and droller in the ‘Ole West to give Wyatt a run for his money. Same with the “Untouchables.” As soon as they became celebrities, all people wanted to DO was TOUCH them. The Eagles should look instead to the Russian paradigm for keeping its peasants in line. The threat of Siberia! That is what “Eagles Court” should be. A cold, dark, dank, remote mystery that all the general population knows about it, is, you DO NOT want to go there. Instead the Eagles have a holding tank of drunken n’er-do-wells eager to share some sort of quasi-celebrity with Philly’s WapnerWannabe in their own production of the “Creeples Court.”

Inane Bathroom Humor. Most Likely this one will go down with the Vet, because the “Linc” will have greater bathroom capacity. But without fail, EVERY game I ever went to, I had to stand in a hot, sweaty, stinking line in those steaming bathrooms, only to arrive at a urinal more disgusting 20-45 minutes later. And also without fail, some retard from the back of the line will shout out the lamest joke I have ever heard, to encourage the line…

“If you shake it more then twice your playing with it!!!! Piss and Go! Piss and Go!”

I am not sure what gets on my nerves more, that I hear it every week, or that every week, at least one ninny in the line will chuckle in response. When I hear that chuckle, even if it’s a polite nervous chuckle just to be nice, it makes me feel like asking the person what is wrong with him. I think, this moron must have been born this very day, from the ass of a jackal, that he find any humor in ANY thing about this whole scenario. Piss and go, Jokesters of the John, Piss and go far away, no one cares, no one is amused….

Lastly, lets flush the biggest myth of all right down the crapper with this season and this stadium…the myth that …THE EAGLES CARE ABOUT YOU. The Eagles don’t give a Vet Rat’s ass about you! They are in a business to make money, and you are the vehicle that makes that happen. The players like when you cheer, but like Donovon says:

 “We can’t worry about what the fans think.”-D. McNabb–

 Everything they do, is to make that business better, and to make more money. Championships are a byproduct that we’d all enjoy, but the players and management do financially the same in a season like this, as they do had they gone all the way. So from the pocketbook it’s all the same to them. For years they have railed against tailgating because people getting there early and drinking all day makes for public intoxication, and that leads to an unsafe environment for drinkers and non-drinkers alike. They even STOP selling Beer in the 3rd quarter.

But for the Falcons playoff game at 8:00, gates opened at 2:00, and guess what was on sale for 5.75 a cup? (a quarter more then the regular season price by the way) BEER that’s what. That would be the equivalent of opening the Vet at 7:00 AM for a 1:00 start, and serving beer. So, they have no problem with the brew, as long as they are profiting 5 bucks and change for it.

And talk about an unsafe environment? We hear about the awful “concrete” the players play on. (on don’t play on in the case of the playoffs), but it’s not REALLY concrete, it’s padded, and so are the players. No, CONCRETE, is what I see people, drunk and sober, falling down on in stands, and on the ramps. And those people, minus of course Sean, are not wearing pads for the most part. Summer Winter, Fall, (no pun intended) I see at least a half dozen fall down my section in the 700 level. One week, a pipe burst and flooded the whole section of concourse, then froze over…so, sell me a hot dog for 4 bucks, a beer for six, hell I’ll even buy a big foam “We’re number 2” finger, but don’t sell me that the Eagles care about me, because I’m not buying…

So, enjoy your off-season Eagles fans, and like Andy Reid joked with me while waiting in the men’s room line one day…(In Andy Reid’s voice)

“The Time is Urine…(chuckle..hee-heee)”

 Hey! That IS funny, I am gonna have to use that in the bathroom this year! I’ll see ya in line…

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Dateline-October, 1980. 1980, Flat out, is and and was, the best year of my life. I was ten years old. Atari 2600 revolutionized the way I played. (Before we owned our own set, I’d WAIT in line at Penny’s or Gimbels, just to play the demo.) I was entering, although I didn’t know it at the time, the Golden Era, of my personal baseball career. Girls still had cooties, and I didn’t know one single dead person. (real heartache was years away). I got straight A’s without studying, and all the Philly teams were on top. In my ten year old mind, I thought things would be like that forever, especially concerning sports…

The year culminated in the greatest baseball game I ever attended. I am there with my father, and I see the Fightin’s win the only Series in their history. Sure the baseball gods may re-align, and once again smile on the Phils, but nothing could ever re-capture or rekindle, what that meant to me then, and how it has grown in meaning as time goes by.

My Dad took me to game six. I was there. Section 318, right there when Pete Rose caught the carom off Boonie’s glove. I had actually been focusing near the dugout, with binoculars when it happened. ( I was so young that I thought binoculars were a good call in 318! Perhaps my first Sports Fugazi!) The crowd was so loud when that happened, but it got louder. And after that final out, it was deafening.

An interesting side note about my father. He was the Sports fan then, that I am now. Complete with his own crew of Usual Suspects that he hung with and watched and went to games with. As your crew gets older I think, wives and kids make the numbers dwindle, but in the 70’s early 80’s, he was in his heyday. I later worked at a Ticket Agency, and came to know the value of tickets. The Phillies ticket said, twenty dollars, but who knows what he paid, or went through to get it. But more then the money, the thing that sticks in my mind, twenty years later when I hang with MY crew…is his, back then. I think about the last “hot ticket” events I have gone to in philly with my guys, and the money, shenanigans and grief we go through to procure tickets. Then I think about telling Schues, or Silent Bob, or Moos, or Riz…”Hey listen fellas, I know these tickets are (*insert astronomical price here*) and we only have two….”But I think I am going to just go ahead and take a 10-year-old. A 10-year-old that might fall asleep, might make me spend half the game in the bathroom or concession stand, or worse, someday come to not be interested in sports. If it was my ten year old or not, I’d be more then prepared to get the Stink, Crook, and Evil, eyes, all combined. Not that my they wouldn’t understand, but I’d expect some grief now, and I am sure he got some then. And the more time goes bye, the more I appreciate it. I’d like to say someday, if I ever have a ten year old, I’d return the favor….but I don’t know. (Hey I took my dad, in 93 to the NLCS, WITH my friends, so I am calling it even!!!)

But anyway, I never traded in the Phillies for the Philharmonic, and maybe my Dad coming up so big, all those years ago, is the reason why…

“Again, like I said, AGAIN….” -Ray Rhoades-

Again indeed Ray. Again indeed. We all saw what happened against the Bucs, and Philly of all places, with a sports misery index off the charts, should be used to it. We’ve seen this disappointment, time and time again. The Ryans, Vermiels, Rhoades and Kotites in the modern era, bestowed upon us countless lessons about how good football teams can be just as frustrating and heartbreaking as those that have no shot. So why did this one hurt so much?

Because you believed, that’s why.

And YOU, you of all people know better. And what is worse you know, you should know better. You’re not some school-boy with a crush anymore. You know the consequences of abandoning skepticism and having confidence in a Philly team. You have been down this road too many times. You know heartache, and you’re guarded and jilted and jaded, and rightfully so. Yet for whatever reason, you threw caution to the wind, and you let this team win you over.

You gushed over this team like Uncle Junior gushes over that “Young Cooz” to his demise in the Sopranos. In fact, you lost you’re head just like he did. You went so far that…

You didn’t care that the Coach’s press conferences have been nothing more then arrogant displays of hollow lip service all year.

You didn’t gripe that the 2nd, and 3rd string QB’s had MUCH more impressive command of the team and the offense then did your 100 million dollar man, and when he was “ready” you welcomed him back, because the Eagles told you too.

You took it in stride when the Eagles management shat upon 31 years of vet history, called it a dump, and did nothing to honor its memory, or the time, money and emotions fans pumped into it for generations.

You went as far to rationalize to others that “accuracy” isn’t an essential qb tool.

You overlooked that last years first round draft pick had a whopping 12 catches in his breakout second year, for a team who’s receiving Corp is suspect. You even overlooked that YOU had the same number of receptions as him in the playoffs…

You had no problem with SBL’s, or the loss of our top middle linebacker, or a very questionable group of receivers.

And then you laughed at the freezing temperatures for the last month, painted your face, pumped your fist, and left your voice box at the Vet for every game. You emptied your savings to adorn you and your kids in Eagle gear, and plan trips to San Diego, and parties galore… You just went with it you believed.

And then the Eagles, to a man, (minus B.mitch), thanked you for your hospitality by not even showing up for the NFC championship game in YOUR house.

And what was left of your Philly heart, after too many years like this, was broken…yet again.

Next Year? Well, they are tearing YOUR house down. But you can catch the Eagles at THEIR new house starting in September. Good Luck Birds, I’ll be there with my gear, and my cash, and even my voice, but if it’s all the same, I am gonna just leave my heart at home for a while…

Now before I begin, let me state most of my family has been out of South Philly for some generations, and sadly, too many of them that made these memories for me are gone. But some things leave a very lasting impression and some people you can just never forget…This one goes out to them….

The Feast of the Seven Fishes
This one varies from family to family, but it entails an attempt to serve seven distinct seafood or fish dishes on Christmas Eve. What fishes families use will vary, but Baccala, Smelt, Crab, and Mussels are staples. Other fishes can include Cod, Flounder, Shrimp, Scallops, Snapper, Clams, Whitefish, etc. Some “Medigans” will try to include Canned Tuna, Swedish Fish, or Goldfish Crackers to round out the seven, this is a FUGAZI and not acceptable!! If you are having trouble rounding out your seven, invite Mike Missennelli to dinner, as he FLIP-FLOPS more then any fish I know, and he can be substituted for any three fishes on the menu. 

Aluminum Christmas Tree
This one is very old school, and one of my most distinct memories of my South Philly Grandparents. It would glisten with the colorwheel, reflecting throughout the room, off the plastic covering the furniture! I don’t remember them ever decorating it other then the blue balls. (an Italian holiday metaphor? maybe…) Year after year the tree looked exactly like it did the last, which made me ponder if the balls were actually wired into the tree, and the whole thing, was simply stored, as is, decorated. Nothing says South Philly Christmas, quite like the Aluminum Tree.

 
Pizzelles
Of course the tree was pre-decorated!?! It all makes sense now, how could they have had time to trim the tree, AND make 15 to 16, THOUSAND pounds of Pizelles. For those of you that don’t know, a Pizelle is the round wafer flat cookie that is about the size of a teaplate, and about the width of two stacked CD’s. The key ingredient is Anise seed and/or Anise oil. In my family we had ONE pizzelle iron that we passed from family to family, so each cousin or aunt would get to make their own Pizzelles, and dispense them to friends and relatives stacked one on top of the other wrapped tightly in tin foil. To Italians, their pizelles and what relative made the best ones year to year was a source of great pride and debate. To the rest of you, Pizzelles are coasters to rest your drinks upon. At the “Kids Table” they are projectiles as lethal as Chinese Stars, capable of inflicting much damage on a cousin or sibling. 

The Kids Table
Okay, we all know what this one is. It is that segregated makeshift, pool, poker, coffee table etc. that is erected to segregate the kids in the family. Italian Christmas dinners are big, so the cut-off from Adult to Kid table will vary, and is strictly a numbers game. The biggest difference in the Italian Christmas Kids Table, it is not uncommon to hear Michael age 6, or Mary age 9, to ask “Little Tony” age 32, or “Baby Anne” age 67, or Joe-Joe age 57 to pass them something from the adult table.

Size Matters
Everything at an Italian Christmas is BIG, from your relatives, to the portions, to the number of relatives that attend, to the number of courses served. Excess is the key. I vaguely remember a Christmas when I was eleven, that we had 37 courses! Any less then a dozen courses is considered an insult to the guests. It is widely accepted in most Italian families, however, that every other course, is cigarettes, and every third course is coffee.

Gambling
If no one at your gathering leaves with something he won from someone else, you might want to check the purity of your Italian bloodlines. When that many of us get together to drink and celebrate, sooner or later, wagers will be made. Maybe it’s on the game on TV, maybe someone breaks out the cards, or some dollars change hands at the pool table, maybe you have a pizzelle tossing contest, but somehow, someway, money will change hands. 

Liquor
Everyone drinks at the holidays, but Italian Christmas always leads to the appearance of liquors that have not been in rotation since the last Christmas. Sweet liquors like Anisette, Gran Marnier, Sambuca, and Galiano. It is here a youngster might have his first nip of an adult beverage, and pay for it later! Toasts abound, and family relationships are renewed, celebrated and quarreled, all over a single shot.

Emotion
Finally, the single most remarkable element to my South Philly Christmas Memories, is the emotion. It was palpable…the good, the bad, and the ugly. And LOUD, 17 people at a table that seats 8, engaged in 25 different conversations all at once. Each screaming over, or at another, laughing, yelling, crying, all at once. As a child I’d stand on the floor with my head barely able to reach the table, and try to get a listen, or a look at what was moving my family so passionately to scream and gesture with their whole bodies over every syllable. They talked about everything, and they talked about nothing, but they talked, and talked. Sports talk and what mobsters my grandfather went to school with were my favorite topics. Especially the Sports though. My family was 610, without the censors, before 610 was even imagined. (I think that is why Gargano is my favorite, he captures that same spirit). And sooner or later, the Sports talk got so heated, that I’d hear an Uncle scream….”HELEN, GET IN THE GODDAMN CAR, WE’RE LEAVING!!!” And my uncle Alex would storm out over a difference in opinion over the Eagles, or Phils, or Flyers. He of course vowed to NEVER RETURN….

And of course, he returned a few days later for New Years Eve laughing, and drinking arm and arm like the whole thing never happened…. and then of course it happened again…and again!…and again! If not him, then someone else.

But you can ask anyone, this is just another South Philly Christmas Tale.
What I wouldn’t give, for just one more…

Christmas, 1981

Aunt De, Mom-Mom, Pops Solo, and Pops and My Uncle Alex, very close to to “get the Goddamn car time!!”

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus! And this year he brought you the Chief’s NJ license!!
Chief Heavy Foot was at it again, this time in Voorhees, NJ, and he couldn’t “BIG TIME” his way out of it. If you missed him on the radio, Wednesday the 23rd of October, you missed the most entertaining afternoon of radio in a long time. The Chief SWEARS he was not even speeding, let alone doing the 100 he was accused of going. He blamed the town, the police, the judges, the taxes, the sun was in his eyes, etc. Never did he even give an INCH of possibility that maybe, just maybe, he was “bling-blingin” a little too much that day, and the officer didn’t buy into his celebrity status, that I can’t rationally believe he didn’t try to pull rank with, at least on some level.
He went on the radio Wednesday to lambaste the police force, the prosecutor, and the mayor, among others. He is now driving the bandwagon for the opposition party in Voorhees. (Did I say driving? I meant riding shotgun, because the Chief won’t be driving in Jersey for a little while.)

I went to High School in Voorhees, and worked there for ten years. (worked for 10, I think HS was like, 6 or 7 years, tops!) I know lots of the VPD personally. Have they had their share of incidents? More then some places, less then others, right where you would expect a town of that size to be. There are legendary stories of kindness over and above the call of duty, and there are stories that they are less proud of I am sure. JUST LIKE EVERYWHERE ELSE! Cops are just like people in other walks of life. Good, Bad, and Different. But the Chief’s estimation that a conspiracy exists from the officer that booked him, to the prosecutor, to the judge, to the mayor of Voorhees, well, that just seems to far fetched. All in all, I just think it is funny to hear him bitch and moan on the radio, make it personal, when most of us, that could afford the ticket a lot less then he can, would just let it go, and get back to our lives. In fact, it sounded like just maybe he had the first bad day in his life!
So the Chief will have to “Rainman” it in NJ for a while…SLOW AND STEADY ON THE DRIVEWAY… Maybe while he is home not driving, he can do some dishes and laundry.
THE CHEIF CAN’T DRIVE 55 (to the tune of the Sammy Hagar Classic)
One foot on the brake and one on the gazzz,
Well, Skate Zone press conference, I got a press pazz,
These damn Voorhees Cops got something to prove
Well, baby, blue and white come and touched my groove again!

Gonna write me up a 125
Chase me up and down, 295
Take my Jersey license, and all that jive
I can’t drive 55!
Uh!

So I signed my name on number 24, hey!
Yeah the judge said, “Chief, just one more
We’re gonna throw your ass in the Voorhees joint”
Looked me in the eye, said, “You get my point?”
I said Yea!, Oh yea!

Write me up a 125
Chase me up and down, 295
Take my license, all that jive
I can’t drive 55!
Oh, yea!

The Chief can’t drive 55!