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Volume 1: Fail to the Chief..
By Tony Romeo phillypage2.com (10-2002)

“Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa”….and so begins another brilliant diatribe by the Chief. This time he is putting some A.I. fan in their place, or reminding us which player is garbage, or…extolling the non-virtue of tailgating. But wait, what’s this?
“The Eagles are the BEST TEAM in the NFC”, he states, demonstratively, and then paves their way to the Superbowl, with relative ease. “Rams…done.” “Chicago, different year.” Saints, “Nice” team, but can’t go all the way.

If it were any other personality would have you pumping your fist the whole ride home in exuberance. But from Ex-Cowboy Lover, philly hater supreme, it just kind of leaves you with a sick feeling in your gut….
And that’s the idea!
Don’t fall for it Philadelphia. That is the method to his madness. He’s wearing green THIS year, but it’s not Eagle Green, it’s Grinch Green. See, to him, we are, and always will be, nothing more then “Stillers” fans, East. But, he is scared this year. Scared the Eagles could actually make a run, and do it. And that is this Grinchey Chief’s ultimate nightmare…One whole year of celebration, and having to listen to all the F-U’s down in F-U-ville, and all the noise, noise, noise, noise. If there is one thing the Chief hates, it’s Eagle noise, noise, noise. In his feeble mind, he had to think of something to combat this possibility. To dampen it, in some way.

So, he sat in his loft, and the top of Mt. Hump-it, and came up with an idea. The Chief had a wonderful awful idea…
“Look at these zeros, trying to be ones!”
“Cheering their IGGLES, trying to have FUN!”
“They think they can stop me, but I’ve just begun!”
“All the F-Us in F-U-ville will soon have their fun DONE!”
“Partying in Parking lots, Putting the city to Shame”
“That’s not the event…The GAME is the GAME!”
“Tailgaters are Dopes, It’s nothing but Lame..”
“They can all go You-Know-Where, LET them Holler and squeal…”
“You can’t chase the CHIEF, I’ll be right here. Keepin’ it real!”
“I know JUST what I’ll do…he snarled with a sneer…
“I’m gonna root for the eagles! I’ll cheer the whole year!”

“When they see ME onboard, it will cause great debate”
“The Eagles they love, and the Chief that they hate…”
“All served in one helping on a nice cozy plate!”
“When they think of the Eagles, They’ll think of the Chief!”
“That’ll twist their bird brains that will cause them great grief!!”
“After each eagle victory, their happiness I’ll crappen…
“By saying on the air, “I told you Dopes it would Happen!”
‘And if they don’t make it? I won’t lose any hair,”
‘Because unlike these Geniuses, I don’t really care!’
‘I’ll make some excuses, It’s no sweat of my sack…
‘I’m just trying to keep these Dopes quiet…
‘Till the Cowboys are back on track!!!”
There it is Philly. Plain and simple. The Chief is just playing with you. Don’t buy in. He’s not an Eagle Fan, Admirer, or Respecter, and he is not THAT buddy, buddy with Reid. (Reid is too smart to be that close with anyone in the media.) The Chief isn’t ROOTING for anything but YOUR unhappiness, as usual. But, in fear that a Superbowl might happen this year, he has devised this tact to take just a little wind out of your sails.

A startling revelation has leaked from the NFL offices; the Eagles must win the Super Bowl. Veteran observers of the league are shocked and the media is skeptical of the validity of the story. I, however, have secretly confirmed this story. I placed video and audio devices in the official’s locker rooms at The Vet and the University of Illinois. These referees had no idea they were being recorded but, when I confronted them with the evidence, they couldn’t deny the league gave them the directive to make sure the Eagles win. And you are wondering what evidence some idiot like me may have? Well, I have the same evidence as idiots like you. I watched the last two games involving the Birds and saw this disturbing trend-if Philly is in trouble the officials do what they can to help them out.

The facts: Monday night versus the Giants. The officials confided that the Giants were not exactly a team they thought the Iggles would need their help with. But, there they were giving the home team a few feet here a few yards there. Especially damning was the gratuitous 4 feet given Antonio Freeman on third and four from the six. For those too intoxicated to recall or those rendered too stupid from looking through green colored glasses, it was the touchdown drive that was aided when Tony was stopped at the ten and the ball was magically placed past the eleven and the first down marker. They should have been punting from their endzone instead of driving for the game sealing score. Exhibit B shows the first down grab by Ron Dixon that was stupidly challenged by Fatman Reid. Guess the ref was thinking of his bosses message when he inexplicably found more than enough reason to overturn the painfully obvious correct call made by a since reprimanded back judge. Once again for the perpetually inebriated or just plain dumb, it was the worst overturn in the history of instant replay.

Moving on to the crew working in dreary Illinois Sunday, we find more examples of this “theory”. Anyone see any fouls on half the hundreds of flags thrown at the Bears? This educated observer found a few to be laughable. At least they would have been laughable had I not had a C-note on da Bears plus the six and the hook. A few of those pass interferences seemed to be personally requested by D-Mac so he didn’t look like he was the same QB from high school in front of the same people who used to watch him back then. How about Urlacher being raped allowing their only foray into the endzone? Seems the second best linebacker in football would have stood at least a chance of stopping that play.

These are not the only instances of the Eagles getting calls this season in general and the last two games in particular. Just the most glaring instances of the NFL’s desire to see the Eagles win.

 I know the suspense is killing you so, I’ll be so kind as to end it for you right away-the Philadelphia Flyers will win the 2003 Lord Stanley Cup. Now, I know the last time we saw this team they were being beaten past the point of humiliation. The images of their fold (not to be confused with the “folding situation” former coach/village idiot Terry Murray once spoke of) will haunt the franchise for many years. More importantly, it will haunt the fans, who had to watch through covered eyes, the most futile and disgusting playoff series performance an NHL team has ever produced. I, for one, would prefer the agony of watching porn all day, while afflicted with impotence, to the searing pain of viewing another Flyers effort like that. However, as will be shown, there are legitimate reasons for this grandiose prediction of Philadelphia’s first parade since most of us were hoping to get to first base with our girlfriend.

Not many of the other 29 teams have the amount of talent the Flyers have assembled. That goes without saying. Even fewer of those teams with comparable talent have a coach with a Cup under his belt. That is a given. All of the supposed contenders, Flyers included, have question marks. The size of the question mark is what is important. The defending champion Red Wings replace perhaps the greatest coach in the history of the game with some guy named Dave Lewis. All their really old guys from last year are back. And another year older. The money pit at MSG had what looks to be another nice offseason spending spree. However, let’s remember that “Slats” purchased their players. And the only time he’s ever appeared to know what he was doing was when he’d send out Gretzky, Kurri and Messier some twenty years ago. Those Edmonton teams could’ve made Hank the Angry Dwarf (may he rest in peace) look like a friggin’ genius. How about the Av’s you say? I ask, when’s Forsberg getting hurt? The Hurricanes? Can you say “fluke”? The Devils? They can’t possibly keep winning with no talent, can they? Get the picture? There are teams with some problems out there larger than Cechmanek’s dismal preseason.

I alluded above to the importance of having a coach with a Ring. Now, I’ll say that the addition of Ken Hitchcock and, at the same time, the subtraction of Bill Barber will be the difference between another first round flameout and June hockey at the FUC. Hitchcock’s championship brings him instant credibility in the locker room. Players have to respect what he’s done and will be much more inclined to buy into his system because of his resume. As fans we have to be excited about what he brings to Philly. After all, he was able to convince an equally talented collection of players in Dallas to believe his defensive system would not stymie their offensive talents. This would seem to be his task with this current roster. From all indications of what the players have been saying, he’s well on his way to completing said task.

Finally, there are a few of the so-called intangibles that will allow the Flyers to hoist the chalice. First, what are the chances of the large group of players, who played some career worst hockey last year, repeating their off years again? I would even venture to guess that some of those guys might even be due for a big bounce back season. Secondly, the players seemed to have hated Barber so much they will do anything to prove he was as dumb as they said he was. Here’s their chance. Another thing is the players have to sense the window is closing on the title that most of them have never won. Let’s face it; the core of this team is on the downside. Of the top ten players on the team, only Simon Gagne and Kim Johnsson are under 30 years old.

Lastly, are we not severely overdue around here to have a local team perform well, catch some breaks and win a f—ing championship?

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